I have been knee-deep in one of my favorite books – A Course in Miracles – which I kindly refer to as my personal bible. One of the core messages of the book is that the opposite of love is not hate, but fear. And that in any given moment, we are either choosing to love or succumbing to fear.
It’s not the love we share that causes us pain – It’s the love we withhold.
There are some really good reasons why we withhold love from ourselves and others. We may feel unworthy of the love someone has to offer, we shield ourselves from potential rejection, and we protect our hearts when they have been broken. But then again, there are really bad reasons as well. For we may withhold love as a form of punishment or play games with people’s hearts.
Just consider the dating rules some people abide by. If I were to listen to all the advice I have been given, I would believe that men have to wait a predetermined three days before reaching out after a date, that I should wait for him to reply to my text from two weeks ago before texting again, and I should never express my real feelings until I am sure of his. In my humble opinion – Too much work!
I started looking at all the ways I am embracing the loving aspects of my life and openly expressing my love… And those times when I am getting frustrated over something minor and falling silently into fearful thoughts. There is always a choice.
So I gave myself a 30 day challenge to actively choose love in every situation, every experience. I also decided that if I’m feeling love, I’m expressing it. No more holding back on my quest for love.
What did I discover over the past 30 days?
- It Starts with Loving Ourselves. When we love, value, and respect ourselves, others will too. I am recognizing the link that when I feel amazing, I am attracting amazing people and experiences. There was a random evening of dancing until midnight at a cigar bar we just happened upon on a particularly positive day. Then, unfortunately, the same held true when I was in a cranky mood and someone left a key mark on my car.
- Loving is Being Vulnerable. And I do believe this is a good thing. We can sit back and wait for an opportunity to tap us on the shoulder… then feel badly when it doesn’t. Or we can risk exposure and put ourselves out there so we are ready and available for something great. I sent a text expressing my interest to a fun possibility when dating strategies dictate that I should have waited for a response from him first. The verdict is still out on this one, but at least I have no regrets about missing an opportunity.
- Love is Letting Go. Sometimes the most loving choice we can make is to turn our love for another inward and let them go. That included a man who wanted a “relationship” entirely on his own terms. His stipulations were that I be available for last minute offers that accommodated his schedule and understand where I rank among his priorities. For the record, I ranked below anything having to do with his “buddies”; anything having to do with golf; and washing his car. Ok, so I may have assumed I ranked under washing his car as I only had proof of the prior two. Oh, and he would have preferred if I didn’t date anyone else despite the fact that he could only make time to see me every 3-4 weeks.
- Love Weeds Out Those Who Cannot Give It. Whether we are expressing love for ourselves by walking away from a negative situation, or our expression of love for another causes them to walk away – love has a way of removing those who are not meant to be in our lives. As I prefer to see it, it’s the Universe’s way of clearing away the clutter in order to make room for someone better. Unfortunately for me, my loving expression was followed by a two week silent assault*. When I reached out, he took me down with a degrading remark rather than taking responsibility for the fact that he was seeing someone else. At least now I know who he really is and that feels quite liberating.
* “Silent Assault” is a term my friend and I coined when he attempted to translate the Afrikaans term used in South Africa that implies there is violence in silence. “Silent treatment” just doesn’t cut it when silence is used to hurt another.
- Love is Seeing the Positive in any Situation. We may be frustrated over the two cars that have boxed us in who are driving under the speed limit when we want to cruise… the long line at the grocery store when we’re already running late… or even a minor annoyance with a friend when she didn’t show up for our scheduled lunch. In each of these situations, I took a deep breath and actively chose love. In the case of being surrounded by speed-limit-abiding drivers, I realized that there was a police car up ahead giving tickets on a stretch of road where I love to speed. Wahoo! That long line at the grocery store was the perfect opportunity to meet an interesting man with time to spare for exchanging numbers. Thank you ever so much! And when I checked in with my friend, I learned of the loss she suffered just an hour prior and was able to be there for her. What a blessing.
My 30 day challenge to choose and express love may have felt a tad uncomfortable initially, but now I’m recognizing how perfectly everything falls into place when viewing life as an ongoing opportunity to love.
All my love to my dear readers – (still expressing…)
Think I’ll extend my 30 day challenge…
Ali
ali martine 