it’s not the love we share, but the love we withhold that causes pain

I have been knee-deep in one of my favorite books – A Course in Miracles – which I kindly refer to as my personal bible.  One of the core messages of the book is that the opposite of love is not hate, but fear.  And that in any given moment, we are either choosing to love or succumbing to fear.

It’s not the love we share that causes us pain – It’s the love we withhold.

There are some really good reasons why we withhold love from ourselves and others.  We may feel unworthy of the love someone has to offer, we shield ourselves from potential rejection, and we protect our hearts when they have been broken.  But then again, there are really bad reasons as well.  For we may withhold love as a form of punishment or play games with people’s hearts.

Just consider the dating rules some people abide by.  If I were to listen to all the advice I have been given, I would believe that men have to wait a predetermined three days before reaching out after a date, that I should wait for him to reply to my text from two weeks ago before texting again, and I should never express my real feelings until I am sure of his.  In my humble opinion – Too much work!

I started looking at all the ways I am embracing the loving aspects of my life and openly expressing my love… And those times when I am getting frustrated over something minor and falling silently into fearful thoughts.  There is always a choice.

So I gave myself a 30 day challenge to actively choose love in every situation, every experience.  I also decided that if I’m feeling love, I’m expressing it.  No more holding back on my quest for love.

What did I discover over the past 30 days?

1. It Starts with Loving Ourselves. When we love, value, and respect ourselves, others will too.  I am recognizing the link that when I feel amazing, I am attracting amazing people and experiences.  There was a random evening of dancing until midnight at a cigar bar we just happened upon on a particularly positive day.  Then, unfortunately, the same held true when I was in a cranky mood and someone left a key mark on my car.
2. Loving is Being Vulnerable. And I do believe this is a good thing.  We can sit back and wait for an opportunity to tap us on the shoulder… then feel badly when it doesn’t.  Or we can risk exposure and put ourselves out there so we are ready and available for something great.  I sent a text expressing my interest to a fun possibility when dating strategies dictate that I should have waited for a response from him first.  The verdict is still out on this one, but at least I have no regrets about missing an opportunity.
3. Love is Letting Go. Sometimes the most loving choice we can make is to turn our love for another inward and let them go.  That included a man who wanted a “relationship” entirely on his own terms.  His stipulations were that I be available for last minute offers that accommodated his schedule and understand where I rank among his priorities.  For the record, I ranked below anything having to do with his “buddies”; anything having to do with golf; and washing his car.  Ok, so I may have assumed I ranked under washing his car as I only had proof of the prior two.  Oh, and he would have preferred if I didn’t date anyone else despite the fact that he could only make time to see me every 3-4 weeks.
4. Love Weeds Out Those Who Cannot Give It. Whether we are expressing love for ourselves by walking away from a negative situation, or our expression of love for another causes them to walk away – love has a way of removing those who are not meant to be in our lives.  As I prefer to see it, it’s the Universe’s way of clearing away the clutter in order to make room for someone better.  Unfortunately for me, my loving expression was followed by a two week silent assault*.  When I reached out, he took me down with a degrading remark rather than taking responsibility for the fact that he was seeing someone else.  At least now I know who he really is and that feels quite liberating.

* “Silent Assault” is a term my friend and I coined when he attempted to translate the Afrikaans term used in South Africa that implies there is violence in silence.  “Silent treatment” just doesn’t cut it when silence is used to hurt another.

5. Love is Seeing the Positive in any Situation. We may be frustrated over the two cars that have boxed us in who are driving under the speed limit when we want to cruise… the long line at the grocery store when we’re already running late… or even a minor annoyance with a friend when she didn’t show up for our scheduled lunch.  In each of these situations, I took a deep breath and actively chose love.  In the case of being surrounded by speed-limit-abiding drivers, I realized that there was a police car up ahead giving tickets on a stretch of road where I love to speed.  Wahoo!  That long line at the grocery store was the perfect opportunity to meet an interesting man with time to spare for exchanging numbers.  Thank you ever so much!  And when I checked in with my friend, I learned of the loss she suffered just an hour prior and was able to be there for her.  What a blessing.

My 30 day challenge to choose and express love may have felt a tad uncomfortable initially, but now I’m recognizing how perfectly everything falls into place when viewing life as an ongoing opportunity to love.

All my love to my dear readers – (still expressing…)

Think I’ll extend my 30 day challenge…

Ali

Words Deceive

A lovely man recently told me that he enjoyed spending time with me.  When I didn’t respond, he asked if I heard him and restated his position.  In the past, this is something that would have made me melt into his arms, dreaming of a life together.  Now it simply feels like words… nice words… but detached words.  For maybe I’ve heard and written enough words for a lifetime and now I rely on actions.

How is this person showing up in my life?

It takes time for my heart to warm up to another.  It’s been broken too many times to simply open wide with every beautiful passing sentiment.  Words deceive.  I don’t trust words like I used to.  I resent when words and ways don’t align.  When I attempt to listen with an open heart, I tend to fall prey to false hope or feel betrayed by wounded memories.

Perhaps I don’t trust myself, thus I don’t trust the man who is making an effort to connect on a deeper level.  I wish for the innocence of youth when I could love openly and freely.  Experience has taught me otherwise.  And while I have since forgiven and almost forgotten, my heart still questions these words and keeps me ever detached from the one offering them.

There’s a sense of empowerment here, but also loss.  Empowered in that I’m not swayed by every sweetly spoken word that might have me chasing after an illusion.  But also a profound sense of loss for the endearingly loving and generous woman that I have to withhold and protect.  I grieve the loss of an unguarded heart.  The loss of complete adoration I want to have for someone.

I may want to be swept off my feet by an amazing man, but I fear it as equally as I crave it.  It will take a patient, equally generous and loving man to melt my heart.  Not just some lovely sounding words…

A Bad Dater…

To date, or not to date… That has been the topic of debate over the past several months.  Much to the encouragement and astonishment of my girlfriends, I had a “say yes” dating week by agreeing to any invitation I received to go out as well as line up offers from my friends.  The spree was designed to jump start my social life, but more importantly, help me get over the hurdle of lingering self-doubt from the failure of my last relationship.

Wednesday night sushi kicked off the week with Alex, a supposedly successful designer who drove Uber on the weekends.  Note to self – Never trust a friend’s description of a man.  He was considerably older than expected, donning a strange comb-over haircut, and carrying several extra pounds on his self-described “athletic” body.  But physical attributes aside, there was a sense of desperation reflected in his demeanor.  It felt as if he was reaching a point in his life wherein this may be his last chance for finding a partner.  And as the kind empath that I am, I found myself feeling pressured to provide it.  That was, until he offered to buy me a pair of sexy Louboutin stilettos which gave me a pretty clear idea of the kind of women he has been pursuing for the past forty-five years…  Oh, and it really didn’t help that he kept interrupting our conversation to show me jokes and videos from his FaceBook page.

Round one was almost a good enough reason to cancel the rest of my “say yes” week.

Friday night’s dinner paired with considerately chosen Spanish wines with Nathan had the most predetermined potential.  A slightly disheveled chiropractor who made me laugh when he approached me and my girlfriend during happy hour two weeks prior.  I was prepared for an evening of lighthearted banter which, unfortunately, quickly turned into playing defense.  After attempting to escape several highly inappropriate questions, I finally cut off his interrogation efforts about why I got divorced with a simple “This topic isn’t open for discussion.”  But he caught me completely off guard when he asked how long it had been since I dated.  When I inadvertently confessed to how many years, he said, “Oh… That explains why you’re so bad at it.”

Nathan told me I would look better if I grew out my hair, commented on my attire stating that I could have made more of an effort to look sexy, and said that women who don’t offer to split the bill better be good in bed.  For the record – I was thrilled to pay my half of the tab.  He sighing exasperatedly while walking me to my car and I was hoping I could quickly skim between two narrowly parked cars to make a clean escape.  No such luck.  He grabbed my arm, pulled me towards him, and held the back of my head firmly in place to kiss me.  I really should have kneed him in the groin… hard.  Damn my polite ways.  Instead, I coughed to end the sordid assault and blocked his number on my cell phone while driving home.

I also promised myself that if I ever felt that uncomfortable again, I would have the gumption to simply leave the restaurant early.

By Saturday, I had already reduced dinner plans with Carlo to “just drinks” at a local bar.  My new, full disclosure approach was to tell him that I’m a terrible dater and that the last time I endured the dating scene was well before he moved to the States.  Whew!  Got that out of the way…  He just laughed and paid me lovely compliments that only Italian men are capable of pulling off without sounding corny.

We talked of our travels, hopes and dreams, and life passions.  An intimate conversation that didn’t include the typical “So what do you do for a living” questions usually asked in order to measure someone up.  I loved how we lost sense of time and the noise around us disappeared… how tenderly he held my hand as he walked me to my car…  For a brief moment, I found a beautiful connection with someone who feels as much of a foreigner here as I do.  Unfortunately, he just moved back to Rome.

C’est la vie –

My dating week taught me that we are all coming from a place of vulnerability when we open ourselves up and take a chance on someone new.  We may recall negative past experiences in an effort to protect ourselves from repeating it.  But the true irony is that our backwards focus is exactly what keeps us firmly bound to repeating it.  Best to leave all the baggage from past relationships behind.

I found that my overall approach towards clearing out my closet also applies to happy dating experiences.  Less is more.  Less first date façade and more being ourselves… Less about asserting ourselves and more wonder about someone new… Less assumptions and more open to possibilities.

Less pushing to meet the right partner and more allowing the natural flow –

My fellow friends who are courageously facing the dating world along with me, may we keep our sense of humor and always remember that we need to honor and value ourselves first before we will find it reflected back from another.

Cheers!

Ali