Personal Boundaries are All-Loving

I may be very familiar with the concept of setting personal boundaries, however, it wasn’t until recently that I recognized the mutual benefit of incorporating and enforcing them in my life.  Healthy personal boundaries are mutually loving and respectful for both the one setting them as well as the one honoring them.

Admittedly, defining and enforcing a few has been as excruciating as it has been liberating.  Particularly when it comes to the long-standing patterns we have with those we love.

Our tendency is to believe that the people in our lives should already know what is, and is not, kosher for us.  We may have naturally established a few personal boundaries for others by treating them the way we wish to be treated.  But probably haven’t fully set, least of all expressed, what our own personal boundaries are.

But here’s the thing – personal boundaries are just that – unique to everyone setting them.  Just as those continually pushing our buttons likely have no idea they are overstepping our boundaries, assuming their boundaries are similar to our own is equally presumptive.  …and usually inaccurate.

Pushing and crossing each other’s personal boundary lines is inevitable.  Neither party knows what is mutually supportive until we express ourselves.  Then every time we fail to express our needs or stand our ground, we not only reinforce unhealthy behaviors from another, but encourage them.  It becomes the acceptable “norm.”

What I’ve come to realize is that resentments and holding grudges is futile.  How can we hold someone responsible for the pain they’ve caused when they had no idea that adding this one little thing to our already overflowing plate just might be the very straw that breaks us.

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to define and enforce a few personal boundaries.  I knew it would ruffle a few feathers, perhaps even end a relationship or two, but the overall result has been incredibly empowering.

In declining to enable a dear friend as usual, I gave her the opportunity to love and honor me as she had no idea the toll it was taking.  Which, in turn, has helped me love and support her in a more positive way.  My firm line that comfort and connections are non-negotiables within my closest relationships was a little tougher.  Releasing a few stragglers who were far more drain than benefit was a little scary in that it left an emptiness in my relationship sector… But then again, it has also motivated me to redirect this kind and generous energy inward for my own benefit.

Those who truly love and support us embrace mutually beneficial relationships and will be more than willing to respect our personal boundaries… Perhaps feeling badly that they weren’t aware of all the times they overstepped.  Those who cannot or refuse to honor us, sorry to say, need to be either eliminated or seriously censored.  We deserve better.

I’ve recently added respect to my list of non-negotiables.  And, as always, it starts with respect for ourselves.

ali

Honoring Our Dark Spaces

I used to believe that with enough positive focus, the dark spaces in my soul would simply go away.  That I would feel healed from the childhood wounds I no longer wanted to carry – Released from the “not good enough” thoughts that sabotaged me.  It was as if all my demons would magically disappear if I tried really, really hard… Repeated enough positive affirmations… Somehow tricked my mind into believing that I had processed enough of the darkness that it was completely resolved and gone.

December taught me otherwise.

It’s never been my best of months.  It brings up painful family memories and difficult life transitions.  What is hyped ‘tis the season to be jolly, is filled with feelings of loss for a brother… a fiancé… loving connections with family and friends.

While having coffee with a dear friend last week, I realized that I’m not alone.  For her, Christmas is a reminder of an amazing father who passed away.  And while she believed enough time had passed, she still feels that deep sense of loss.  For me, twenty years have passed since losing the love of my life to lung cancer and I still feel that ache in my heart.

I’m coming to appreciate that our dark spaces never fully disappear, no matter how much light we shine on them.  They are an integral part of us – Our strength… Our wisdom… Our capacity for loving kindness and compassion for those experiencing the same.

Perhaps that loving kindness and compassion needs to start within –

Rather than attempting to remove and eliminate, we can release the hold the darkness has by surrendering and honoring these dark spaces.  Recognize the experiences that have brought us to our knees.  Respect the fact that we pulled ourselves back up.  Honor the times in our lives when we need to slow down and take tender loving care of ourselves.

I’ll take a pass on Black Friday and packing my holiday schedule.  December is now a month of reflection and self-care.

it’s not the love we share, but the love we withhold that causes pain

I have been knee-deep in one of my favorite books – A Course in Miracles – which I kindly refer to as my personal bible.  One of the core messages of the book is that the opposite of love is not hate, but fear.  And that in any given moment, we are either choosing to love or succumbing to fear.

It’s not the love we share that causes us pain – It’s the love we withhold.

There are some really good reasons why we withhold love from ourselves and others.  We may feel unworthy of the love someone has to offer, we shield ourselves from potential rejection, and we protect our hearts when they have been broken.  But then again, there are really bad reasons as well.  For we may withhold love as a form of punishment or play games with people’s hearts.

Just consider the dating rules some people abide by.  If I were to listen to all the advice I have been given, I would believe that men have to wait a predetermined three days before reaching out after a date, that I should wait for him to reply to my text from two weeks ago before texting again, and I should never express my real feelings until I am sure of his.  In my humble opinion – Too much work!

I started looking at all the ways I am embracing the loving aspects of my life and openly expressing my love… And those times when I am getting frustrated over something minor and falling silently into fearful thoughts.  There is always a choice.

So I gave myself a 30 day challenge to actively choose love in every situation, every experience.  I also decided that if I’m feeling love, I’m expressing it.  No more holding back on my quest for love.

What did I discover over the past 30 days?

1. It Starts with Loving Ourselves. When we love, value, and respect ourselves, others will too.  I am recognizing the link that when I feel amazing, I am attracting amazing people and experiences.  There was a random evening of dancing until midnight at a cigar bar we just happened upon on a particularly positive day.  Then, unfortunately, the same held true when I was in a cranky mood and someone left a key mark on my car.
2. Loving is Being Vulnerable. And I do believe this is a good thing.  We can sit back and wait for an opportunity to tap us on the shoulder… then feel badly when it doesn’t.  Or we can risk exposure and put ourselves out there so we are ready and available for something great.  I sent a text expressing my interest to a fun possibility when dating strategies dictate that I should have waited for a response from him first.  The verdict is still out on this one, but at least I have no regrets about missing an opportunity.
3. Love is Letting Go. Sometimes the most loving choice we can make is to turn our love for another inward and let them go.  That included a man who wanted a “relationship” entirely on his own terms.  His stipulations were that I be available for last minute offers that accommodated his schedule and understand where I rank among his priorities.  For the record, I ranked below anything having to do with his “buddies”; anything having to do with golf; and washing his car.  Ok, so I may have assumed I ranked under washing his car as I only had proof of the prior two.  Oh, and he would have preferred if I didn’t date anyone else despite the fact that he could only make time to see me every 3-4 weeks.
4. Love Weeds Out Those Who Cannot Give It. Whether we are expressing love for ourselves by walking away from a negative situation, or our expression of love for another causes them to walk away – love has a way of removing those who are not meant to be in our lives.  As I prefer to see it, it’s the Universe’s way of clearing away the clutter in order to make room for someone better.  Unfortunately for me, my loving expression was followed by a two week silent assault*.  When I reached out, he took me down with a degrading remark rather than taking responsibility for the fact that he was seeing someone else.  At least now I know who he really is and that feels quite liberating.

* “Silent Assault” is a term my friend and I coined when he attempted to translate the Afrikaans term used in South Africa that implies there is violence in silence.  “Silent treatment” just doesn’t cut it when silence is used to hurt another.

5. Love is Seeing the Positive in any Situation. We may be frustrated over the two cars that have boxed us in who are driving under the speed limit when we want to cruise… the long line at the grocery store when we’re already running late… or even a minor annoyance with a friend when she didn’t show up for our scheduled lunch.  In each of these situations, I took a deep breath and actively chose love.  In the case of being surrounded by speed-limit-abiding drivers, I realized that there was a police car up ahead giving tickets on a stretch of road where I love to speed.  Wahoo!  That long line at the grocery store was the perfect opportunity to meet an interesting man with time to spare for exchanging numbers.  Thank you ever so much!  And when I checked in with my friend, I learned of the loss she suffered just an hour prior and was able to be there for her.  What a blessing.

My 30 day challenge to choose and express love may have felt a tad uncomfortable initially, but now I’m recognizing how perfectly everything falls into place when viewing life as an ongoing opportunity to love.

All my love to my dear readers – (still expressing…)

Think I’ll extend my 30 day challenge…

Ali

Words Deceive

A lovely man recently told me that he enjoyed spending time with me.  When I didn’t respond, he asked if I heard him and restated his position.  In the past, this is something that would have made me melt into his arms, dreaming of a life together.  Now it simply feels like words… nice words… but detached words.  For maybe I’ve heard and written enough words for a lifetime and now I rely on actions.

How is this person showing up in my life?

It takes time for my heart to warm up to another.  It’s been broken too many times to simply open wide with every beautiful passing sentiment.  Words deceive.  I don’t trust words like I used to.  I resent when words and ways don’t align.  When I attempt to listen with an open heart, I tend to fall prey to false hope or feel betrayed by wounded memories.

Perhaps I don’t trust myself, thus I don’t trust the man who is making an effort to connect on a deeper level.  I wish for the innocence of youth when I could love openly and freely.  Experience has taught me otherwise.  And while I have since forgiven and almost forgotten, my heart still questions these words and keeps me ever detached from the one offering them.

There’s a sense of empowerment here, but also loss.  Empowered in that I’m not swayed by every sweetly spoken word that might have me chasing after an illusion.  But also a profound sense of loss for the endearingly loving and generous woman that I have to withhold and protect.  I grieve the loss of an unguarded heart.  The loss of complete adoration I want to have for someone.

I may want to be swept off my feet by an amazing man, but I fear it as equally as I crave it.  It will take a patient, equally generous and loving man to melt my heart.  Not just some lovely sounding words…

A Bad Dater…

To date, or not to date… That has been the topic of debate over the past several months.  Much to the encouragement and astonishment of my girlfriends, I had a “say yes” dating week by agreeing to any invitation I received to go out as well as line up offers from my friends.  The spree was designed to jump start my social life, but more importantly, help me get over the hurdle of lingering self-doubt from the failure of my last relationship.

Wednesday night sushi kicked off the week with Alex, a supposedly successful designer who drove Uber on the weekends.  Note to self – Never trust a friend’s description of a man.  He was considerably older than expected, donning a strange comb-over haircut, and carrying several extra pounds on his self-described “athletic” body.  But physical attributes aside, there was a sense of desperation reflected in his demeanor.  It felt as if he was reaching a point in his life wherein this may be his last chance for finding a partner.  And as the kind empath that I am, I found myself feeling pressured to provide it.  That was, until he offered to buy me a pair of sexy Louboutin stilettos which gave me a pretty clear idea of the kind of women he has been pursuing for the past forty-five years…  Oh, and it really didn’t help that he kept interrupting our conversation to show me jokes and videos from his FaceBook page.

Round one was almost a good enough reason to cancel the rest of my “say yes” week.

Friday night’s dinner paired with considerately chosen Spanish wines with Nathan had the most predetermined potential.  A slightly disheveled chiropractor who made me laugh when he approached me and my girlfriend during happy hour two weeks prior.  I was prepared for an evening of lighthearted banter which, unfortunately, quickly turned into playing defense.  After attempting to escape several highly inappropriate questions, I finally cut off his interrogation efforts about why I got divorced with a simple “This topic isn’t open for discussion.”  But he caught me completely off guard when he asked how long it had been since I dated.  When I inadvertently confessed to how many years, he said, “Oh… That explains why you’re so bad at it.”

Nathan told me I would look better if I grew out my hair, commented on my attire stating that I could have made more of an effort to look sexy, and said that women who don’t offer to split the bill better be good in bed.  For the record – I was thrilled to pay my half of the tab.  He sighing exasperatedly while walking me to my car and I was hoping I could quickly skim between two narrowly parked cars to make a clean escape.  No such luck.  He grabbed my arm, pulled me towards him, and held the back of my head firmly in place to kiss me.  I really should have kneed him in the groin… hard.  Damn my polite ways.  Instead, I coughed to end the sordid assault and blocked his number on my cell phone while driving home.

I also promised myself that if I ever felt that uncomfortable again, I would have the gumption to simply leave the restaurant early.

By Saturday, I had already reduced dinner plans with Carlo to “just drinks” at a local bar.  My new, full disclosure approach was to tell him that I’m a terrible dater and that the last time I endured the dating scene was well before he moved to the States.  Whew!  Got that out of the way…  He just laughed and paid me lovely compliments that only Italian men are capable of pulling off without sounding corny.

We talked of our travels, hopes and dreams, and life passions.  An intimate conversation that didn’t include the typical “So what do you do for a living” questions usually asked in order to measure someone up.  I loved how we lost sense of time and the noise around us disappeared… how tenderly he held my hand as he walked me to my car…  For a brief moment, I found a beautiful connection with someone who feels as much of a foreigner here as I do.  Unfortunately, he just moved back to Rome.

C’est la vie –

My dating week taught me that we are all coming from a place of vulnerability when we open ourselves up and take a chance on someone new.  We may recall negative past experiences in an effort to protect ourselves from repeating it.  But the true irony is that our backwards focus is exactly what keeps us firmly bound to repeating it.  Best to leave all the baggage from past relationships behind.

I found that my overall approach towards clearing out my closet also applies to happy dating experiences.  Less is more.  Less first date façade and more being ourselves… Less about asserting ourselves and more wonder about someone new… Less assumptions and more open to possibilities.

Less pushing to meet the right partner and more allowing the natural flow –

My fellow friends who are courageously facing the dating world along with me, may we keep our sense of humor and always remember that we need to honor and value ourselves first before we will find it reflected back from another.

Cheers!

Ali

We Can Change Our Mind… It’s as Simple as That

I wrote a rather emotional post yesterday that felt more like a venting session than anything else.  I had allowed myself to take on entirely too much of another person’s energy before recognizing how I only fuel this energy in doing so.

A lovely reader responded and reminded me of how raw and emotional the grieving process can be and I felt ashamed for having aired someone’s painful response to the world that is changing around her.  Who am I to judge another?  In fact, who am I to even judge myself?

Judgment is a double-edged sword for we cannot have an opinion, or even a random thought, about another without some of that opinion reflecting in ourselves.  Personally, I don’t think we would even notice a supposed “flaw” in another if it didn’t mirror something we feel is flawed within ourselves.

The truth behind my rant is that many years ago I felt deeply judged – by everyone I knew, as well as myself – by how I handled a very difficult transition in my life.  Initially, I got caught up in assuming that every one else was at fault, refusing to take responsibility for the part I played.  I eventually found my way through blame and denial, but it was a bumpy, painful ride.

And just when I thought I had learned everything I needed from the experience, I found myself reduced to tears this morning recognizing the fact that I have yet to fully forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made.

 

Gratefully, I believe that loving guidance is always available to us – when we are humble enough to ask and open enough to receive.  So I prayed for insight and kindly received a few.  First, my sister called.  God love her, she has the ability to shift my energy even when she doesn’t recognize that she’s doing it.  Just talking about my foul mood naturally lifted it knowing that she unconditionally loves and supports me.  She is my rock.

The second insight came via email from Pam Grout, law of attraction extraordinaire, who reminded me that negativity is like poison.  Actually, she was quoting one of our favorite writers and poet, Maya Angelou, who protected herself from negative conversations even to the extent of asking someone making a negative comment to leave her home. “Those negative words climb into the wood and into the furniture and the next thing they’ll be on my skin.”

Thank you Maya Angelou, care of Pam Grout, for permission to eliminate negativity from my life.  It really doesn’t get much more empowering than that!  I have every right to step back and keep my positive focus.

My sister and I talked about being a much better part-time friend than a full-time one.  Mostly because we always give each other our best.  But maybe the trick to supporting our friends full-time is having healthy personal boundaries.

Getting overly involved in someone else’s life experience isn’t just assumptive, but it’s also incomplete.  Even if we think we are sharing every detail, we can’t possibly know the whole picture.  I’m not privy to every emotional soft-spot my friends have.  We are all too strong willed and independent for that.  And I most certainly do not get to determine how long a friend’s mourning process might take when I still have “down days” of my own.

I still regret so many things – am still recovering from a move that shook me to my very core.  Those dark corners in our lives are meant to be our own – unless we choose to share them.  Interestingly enough, these dark corners are usually where my passion and inspiration live… kindly, and very respectfully, sharing space with some of my biggest hurts and failures.  For I write from a place of unity.  Every light and dark aspect of myself coexists together not in spite of the experiences I’ve had, or even in judgment thereof, but peacefully as my sense of being whole and complete.

Involving myself in another’s experience, even if just emotionally, was affecting me in profound ways.  Building and overflowing energy that wasn’t my own.  Energy that would be much better spent invested in my writing.

I am not accustomed to integrating myself so closely with others while I write.  Usually it’s just me and the ocean and plenty of space to get lost in.  I don’t even consider my thoughts and ideas entirely my own as I share this sacred mind-space with others passing by who have far more to offer than I do.  I love this lovely balance of feeling connected and inspired by what I cannot touch or see.  Getting wrapped up in another’s experience has been interrupting this connection… But only if I allow it.

The most amazing “ah-ha” guidance received this morning is just how quickly my positive outlook and inspiration came flowing back the moment I changed my mind.

Thank you!

Confessions of a Hopeful Heart –

Regardless of the fact that I have every reason not to, I have to confess that I still believe in love.  Not just the typical thankful variety or dumbed-down version that we have trained ourselves to expect, but over the moon, ridiculous love that makes everything else in life all the more vibrant.

This feels like a dark admission for so many of us have had our hearts broken – shattered even.  Prior loving relationships have resulted in anguish with the most damage done by the the one they once promised to love and cherish all their days.  I am definitely no exception as I can quickly recall every detail of the demise of my last relationship and every one prior to that.

The receptionist openly shares her dating disasters while I wait for my dental appointment, the waiter at a local restaurant laughs about the “winter-summer” relationships between ridiculously old men and gold digging women, and even my closest friends stubbornly state that they will never marry again over cocktails at happy hour.  I can’t help but think that every time we repeat these sordid tales, they become our self-condemning truths.

Which makes me wonder – How much of these negative relationship cycles are perpetuated by our own fascination in retelling emotionally charged stories?  We keep them alive and thriving by not only recounting it mentally and verbally, but also emotionally and physically.

Following a huge transition this past year, I made an active decision to withdraw from these downward spiral conversations and focus only on the positive aspects of past relationships.  I would rather direct this kind of mind/body empowerment towards the creation of positive relationships in my life.  Last week I received confirmation that I was mastering this skill when someone asked me why I got divorced.  I explained that it is my choice to only recall the wonderful memories with my ex-husband and to disregard the rest.

Admitting that I still believe in lovingly supportive and passionate relationships is akin to believing in the tooth fairy.  I haven’t outgrown the Disney-esque concept of Prince Charming, nor do I want to.  No matter what my heart has undergone in the past, the only way these experiences maintain their power over me is if I bring them into my present moments.  And I’m simply not willing to do that.

Love evolves.  In my twenties, I was still growing as a person and didn’t know what it was I wanted.  Boyfriends served as the means to figure myself out.  In my thirties, I was working hard and building a life that I thought would make me happy.  My husband was dragged along for the bumpy ride.  Now in my forties, with a little wisdom and experience under my belt, I have a whole new appreciation for relationships.  Particularly, taking into account the needs and desires of another as equally as my own.

Despite my softening body and wrinkle count, I feel like a much greater catch than twenty years ago.  Now I get it.  I’m not in discovery or building mode, and I am committed to leaving the emotional baggage of my past right where it belongs – In the past.  I am open to all possibilities and am deeply connected to a sense of adoration and love for the man who will be coming into my life.

Because I still believe in magic.

I look forward to falling in love at first sight and savoring every moment together.  I am dreaming of an amazing man on bended knee, getting married under an archway of flowers, and living my own version of happily ever after.

To all my friends who choose to view life through rose colored glasses, bravo!  At least our view of the setting sun will be spectacular.

All my love,

Ali